"Sometimes the more you look, the less you really know."
I finally saw 'The Man Who Wasn't There' tonight. I liked it. It was slow at parts, and I never felt there was any real climax, but who am I to talk, anyway. Billy Bob Thornton was, of course, fabulous. He's done some great movies and some really bad movies, and this was one of the better ones. The whole movie was set to gorgeous piano music, it was all very haunting. The movie inspired me to mull over how sometimes, in films, the supporting characters really make the movie.
On my whirlwind Colleges Of The Mid-Atlantic tour over spring break, while visiting UVA, I discovered that they have several noteworthy 'secret societies' on campus. There's one that everybody knows about, despite it's status as a 'secret' society. You're invited to join, and you're not allowed to tell anyone that you belong to it, but you tell anyway. Then there's one where you're invited to join and you really don't tell anyone--and then at graduation, all of the members are given rings to wear, and UVA grads spend all night going around shaking everybody's hand, trying to find out who has been a member of this secret society all along. Then there's one last society, and this one, nobody finds out about until death. This is the big one--the one that donates tons of money to the school. You're invited to join this one (and that happens rarely--although nobody knows for sure how many members there are, one speculates that the number is small), and when you die a funeral is held and bells are rung, and everybody finds out. So essentially, you could die never knowing who was in this secret society.
I say all this because it made me think that we should start a secret society at Milton. We don't have to donate money, since most of us don't have any. I just think it would be fun. I don't know what we would do, or what the point of it is, so don't ask me. Just tell me if you think my idea has any merit, or if I'm just talking crazy talk now.
Tomorrow is SATs. Ashleigh and I "studied" for them today. Meaning we did very little 'studying' and very much 'reading blogs, surfing the internet, and watching Boy Meets World'. We also kidnapped Garrett. No need to go into details.
Well, as I'm supposed to be "getting a good night's sleep" as we speak, I'll think of something more interesting to say and say it tomorrow, after chiskin bikits have been eaten and SATs taken and used book sales attended. Good night, sweet good night.

When I saw Episode II for the first time (with you, Sarah), there were these three people sitting behind us. They appeared to be in their early to mid thirties, not that I got a good look at them in the dark. My point is, here are three friends who obviously have grown up watching the 'Star Wars' movies. They sit in the darkened theater, watching George's latest creation, and they laugh at all the 'inside jokes', and they understand all the foreshadowing that some of us miss because we haven't seen 'The Empire Strikes Back' or 'Return Of The Jedi' except a couple of times in middle school, and even then it was edited for tv and inundated with commercials. They were watching the newest edition of something that's been a part of their life since they were young, together with people they had first seen it with.
Or maybe they were just laughing at Anakin's hairstyle. Maybe they're three people who have known each other for about four months, and maybe the extent of their experience with 'Star Wars' was Episode I. But my point is, I wonder--will we (meaning, I suppose, 'our generation') have anything like 'Star Wars'? Something that we grew up with, and yet is still all the rage when we're getting on into our thirties? Maybe we will, maybe we won't, maybe it doesn't even matter, but it just made me wonder.
In connection with my Episode II story, do any of you do what I did? By that I mean, do any of you project entire life histories onto complete strangers? I tend to do that from time to time--I just see a person in the mall looking at their watch, and in my mind, they're waiting for an ex-girlfriend from college who they haven't seen in fifteen years, who they ran into at the food court last week and set up this very meeting. The ex-girlfriend is running late. Is this rude of me? To intrude on a person's life like that? Well, I know it's not rude; it can't be rude if they don't even notice me doing it. I guess the better question is, is this weird of me? Certainly it is.

Every summer that I can remember (meaning every summer since the one after sixth grade) has been characterized by some sort of obsession or infatuation. Summer after 6th grade, it was the boygroup Hanson (hard to admit, yes, but most of you already know that I saw them in concert that summer). The next summer, after 7th grade, my obsession with both 'Titanic' and Leonardo DiCaprio (or 'Leo', as we affectionately dubbed him while gazing at the glossy pinups of him torn out of Bop and TeenBeat magazines) continued from the winter before. The summer after 8th grade was my continued obsession with 'The X-Files', but as I underwent jaw surgery that summer, I think I may have been too puffy to have any real obsession. Summer after 9th grade it was camp. I had the best time at camp that year, and the rest of my summer was characterized by trying to recapture the memories in some way or another. The next summer, last summer, wasn't much of an obsession summer, although I was quite into Jimmy Fallon by that time. It's not quite summer yet (I mean the season, not the break, of course)--I wonder what my infatuation will be with this time around.

I really thought summer was supposed to be fun.
Granted, I've gone out with my friends almost every day so far, and I've had a lot of fun. But my parents desire to have me doing something every hour of every day is really starting to get to me. I thought I would just lie around all day, sleep, play on the computer, watch tv, and that would be it. But they're reluctant to let me sleep past 10 o'clock, and when they notice that I'm just sitting there, they try and find some piece of housework for me to tend to. That's why I have to go out every day, because if I didn't I'd probably end up cleaning the whole damn house.
Another thing, some of us have to take the SATs on Saturday. That certainly wasn't the brightest idea in the world, for us to sign up to take a test after our brains have been switched off. I've completely forgotten all the math I ever knew, and most of the verbal. I'll be lucky if I get higher than what I got last time, and that's a stretch, because at least last time I was in school and my brain was in the learning mindset. Now it's just turned off.
And why is everybody all of a sudden talking to me about college? I mean, it's summer. I didn't intend on thinking about college until at least July. If that soon. I just don't want to worry about when I'm supposed to be having fun on the last summer I will ever experience as a high schooler. Think about it, next summer we'll have graduated. We'll practically be college students. We need to live our care free, high school lives while we still can, I say.
Well that's it. I know that's kind of a downer, but I'm sorry, I have nothing real to say. More to come, later maybe.

So I'm here tonight to remark about the uncanny ability teenagers have to have fun without actually doing anything at all.
Today, after 'The Graduate' at Jason's house, we went to the mall and sat in the food court. Then we went and sat on some benches inside the mall. Then came dinner, where we sat inside Friday's, followed by a brief stint of more sitting in the Friday's parking lot. All of this sitting was accompanied by talking, of course. And it just seems amusing to me that, despite the fact that I actually did have a lot of fun today, we did virtually nothing. And to think that it may have been less fun had we actually done something, like gone to a movie or...gone bowling, or something. Strange creatures, we teenagers are.
Is anyone else having much trouble with annotating their AP Lit books for next year? I've started reading Tuesdays With Morrie, and I really do like it. But it's so hard for me to write things down as I read. That's why I've never been able to keep a reading log for English classes. It just doesn't work. I usually find that I have to read something, and then go back and reread it while making notes. And that would just take too long for the four books we have to read, so my annotations probably won't be up to par with everybody else's. Unless, of course, somebody else has the same trouble that I do. In which case...yeah.
Well, I don't think I have much else to say here, and I have to go do some maintenance on some other peoples' blogs (I'm like the blog maintenance girl. It's odd.), so that's all. More shall be discussed tomorrow.

I saw 'About A Boy' today. Thus continuing the tradition of seeing movies that I don't think I want to see, only to find out that I did, in fact, want to see them. It was very good. Not amazing, but very good anyway. Chris and Paul Weitz seem like pretty cool directors. I liked Hugh Grant much more than I usually do (which is not a lot at all). But I saw the movie with my parents. And therein lies the problem.
Far be it for them to like anything with a plot. To their credit, they wanted to see Star Wars, but I was all Star Wars-ed out (having seen it twice in as many weeks), and as I was eager to get a free movie out of the deal, I convinced them that 'About A Boy' was the better option of the two. They definitely didn't like it. According to my dad it was "boring", although he could come up with nothing to substantiate that (though I suppose you can't substantiate an opinion, can you?). My mom said little, probably because I had just berated my dad for talking about something he knows nothing about. I hate that about them. They don't appreciate movies--they're only there for the thrill of it. And I understand that most people only go to movies for the thrill of it, and that it's just me and most of you guys who sit around nitpicking and talking about transitions (excellent ones in this movie) and script difficulties 'til we're blue in the face. But I just can't take it when my parents decide that a movie is no good or awful or not worth it because of something like they found it slightly boring. Because I thought 'Citizen Kane' was boring! And that's one of the greatest movies of our time! They just can't put up with a film if it doesn't have an explosion every half-second and many naked people. My parents are Middle America.
Another thing I wanted to talk about here was 'The Anniversary Party'. I rented it quite a while back, and enjoyed it, but never really gave it much thought. It was one of those movies that was just kind of...forgettable...despite the fact that I thought it was good. Alan Cumming (who I love) and Jennifer Jason Leigh (who I can stand) wrote, directed, and starred in the film, which was basically about this perfect Hollywood couple with real issues. I'm sorry if that sounds trite, but I'm not good with summaries. Anyway, the movie is very glossy on the outside-gritty on the inside type stuff, and it's got a cast that whoever writes the blurb on the back of the DVD would probably describe as an "all star cast", and you should all go rent it because most people have never heard of it and you should rent movies you've never heard of every now and again. And if nudity is your cup of tea, there's some of that, too.
Some sort of dinner-like meal beckons. Scrambled egg sandwiches, I believe. Hmm.

So things seem to be improving.
I was sad last night; of course I was sad last night, it was graduation. That's not why I didn't blog--I didn't blog because I was sleeping at Sarah's. I wouldn't deprive you guys of a depressive blog, you know that.
Now I feel better. Not great, not good, but a lot better. I'm glad that I'm getting along with everybody again, even with people I haven't gotten along with in months. So this summer might not be looking quite so bad, as I've discovered one or two new people who are going to be in town with me.
The camp that I've always gone to (I'm not going to it this year, but I plan on visiting) moved campuses for this summer for the first time since I started attending. It used to be at Oglethorpe University, now it's at Brenau. Which is so strange to me, such a big deal for some reason. I think half the nostalgia of camp is in the setting. I have these near-perfect memories, very distinct memories, of the atmosphere at camp. I can picture every square inch of that campus, and I can get a feel for it just by thinking about it. I can remember how it was always freezing in downstairs Emerson, and how the dorms smelled and how each classroom felt. It's going to be so weird visiting my friends this summer because I won't know my way around, despite having gone to the camp for four years, and it'll be like I'm an outsider. I got used to being an expert at that camp--I had been going long enough to be considered 'old school', which I thought was pretty cool even though I'm sure you don't. And now, it's probably a good thing that I'm not attending this year, because it would be like starting all over and I highly doubt I would get as much out of it as I used to. I just don't think this was the right year for camp, even though it means I'm not doing anything else this summer.
For some reason I've got that feeling (again) where I'm inspired to go make a movie. I need an idea. I haven't had a good idea in so long, it's getting quite annoying. Once I have something really good, I can hopefully script it without thinking the concept into the ground (like last time...like every time...). Because I fully intend on making some movies this summer, beginning, I hope, with 'Tuxford Bitch Revisited', which really hinges on Jason's near-nonexistent free time. We have the month of June to make that one, and I don't get editing software until July, so that one will have to be in the style of the original 'Tuxford Bitch Project'. I'm excited about it anyway.

which Episode II character are you?



Probably the greatest Jedi Knight of all. Like Obi Wan, you are wise and keep your feet on the ground at all times. You will not be outsmarted by anyone. You are always faithful to your friends. Be careful though, danger lurks around every corner - you could even be betrayed by those closest to you.


Sorry, I just had too much fun with that.

Sometimes it's nice to have somebody who doesn't really know you, who only knows you in the context of a few classes at school, who doesn't know what you do after you get home or what you're like on the weekends, or all your innermost thoughts and secrets or the latest gossip, or your life history or your true emotions, because then you can be with that person and it's just real, and you're not riddled with insecurities or judgements because even though you're completely comfortable with your friends, sometimes they just know you too well.
And I'm going to miss these people when they're gone.

I apologize for my last, mammoth entry. I'm sure it was painfully bitter and boring. I don't know what's come over me lately, but I seem to be more concentrating on how bad I feel from time to time than how good things can sometimes be.
School is almost over. In a GOOD way. No more boring classes, no more hard tests, no more stress for a while. "No more pencils, no more books..." or so it goes. I get to go see 'Star Wars' again on Friday. AND eat Chinese. Lo mein and Ewan McGregor, all in the same afternoon? Who could ask for more? Despite the practically below freezing temperatures of the past few days, true summer is almost here and it's getting nice and hot. Pools are opening up across the country. In just one short week (less than that, really) we can lie around and do not much of anything. Soon I won't feel bad for going to sleep before 4 am, I won't feel like I'm wasting part of my day, because I'll know that I'll have the next day and the next day and the next to go to sleep late. My birthday is soon. I know that's not exactly something to look forward to for YOU guys, but it marks a beautiful day when, if things go according to plan, I shall recieve editing software and a boatload of new DVDs, considering that's about all I'm asking for. What else...? There are some good movies coming out soon. Pretty soon, if you happen to forget your locker combonation, you're not doomed to search the halls in vain for some knowledgeable soul who can tell you those three forgettable numbers (an experience I went through last year and hope to never go through again) because you won't have a locker to worry about. For some of you who aren't me (and are much smarter than I am), no more Physics problems, no more of Jones' pacesetter, no more French tests for three months (just wanted to include something for the rest of you there). For me and Laura, no more of Mrs. Levinson's act of pretending to be a nice, easy teacher and then bombarding us with not-so-nice, not-so-easy tests and quizzes, thus requiring us to get an A on the final to get an A in the class (which I can say after taking the final, is an impossible task). No more personal fitness. Ever. Granted that means no more walking the track and reading poetry, and no more hiding out in the bathrooms during weight room days, but we'll survive. And next year, as seniors--senior priviledges. On-campus parking spots, for some of us. Two lunches. The honor and prestige of being bigger than everyone else in the school, in theory if not in practice. Those little brownies wrapped up in pink ClingWrap that the moms give out on Senior Days. And granted, we have college application hell upon us. But we can make the best of it I'm sure. College application filling out sleepovers, anyone? Hey, if it works for Serkie's class...wait, it didn't. That's okay.
Well this entry is disjointed enough. My advice to any of you who are suffering from the same thing I was--bitter sadness, the bad kind of nostalgia--think about what we have to look forward to now. Or if you still want to look back on things, go read my Remember List and look at things in a happy light. Remember everything we did as good memories, and laugh, and don't think like 'I'm sad that it's ending', think like 'I'm glad that it happened'. I realize I sound like a greeting card now, but I really think I had to do something to make up for the God-awful entries I've been posting lately. Things aren't quite as bad as they seem.

As the school year comes to a close, I find myself with a few regrets. And I hate regrets. This is not to say that I'm not used to them by now--when you're the least proactive person you've ever met, you have to learn to live with regrets. Some say it's better to live with regrets than to live with mistakes, but I beg to differ. Because living with regrets really sucks.
I regret not getting more involved this year. I could have done so much more than I did. Sure, I was in seven or so clubs. But I did the bare minimum in each one of them, with the exception of Drama Club I suppose (in which everyone does the bare minimum so maybe what I did seemed like more).
I regret some of the directions some of my relationships took this year. This means friendships, relationships with guys, all of them. Some people and I drifted apart, and some people and I drifted together, and some people and I drifted back and forth many times over the course of six months. I now find myself at the end of the year, with three people in the last three days trying to renew our relationships. Not that I have anything against taking steps to become friends again with any of them; it just strikes me as odd that they would all try and fix everything at the same time.
I regret wallowing so much this year. I basically cried for a month straight back in fall semester. That was a wasted month. Then when I was done crying, I still felt sorry for myself, and so I consoled myself by saying 'it's okay, you're just having a bad year', like that would justify my cutting off ties with the world. And just when things started to get better, they started to get worse all at once. And then they got better again. And I'm sure that this describes everybody's year, which is yet another argument for the idea that our similarties outweigh our differences. And now things are just kind of in limbo, and I'm not sure what's going to happen now or next or ever.
I regret lots of other things, but nothing more that I wish to detail now.
Don't you hate it when you have an emotion that you just can't seem to put into words, no matter how eloquent you can sometimes be and how desperately hard you try? But then you come across somebody else (and I mean a friend or aquaintance, not some prestiged published author) who can describe your thoughts so accurately and with such ease that it feels like they were inside your head as you were thinking them? Yeah, me too.
Also, do you ever find yourself wanting to hold on to something painful? Like, you know it will hurt you to look at my Remember List one more time, but you go and look anyway because you want to keep the feeling of sad nostalgia with you for as long as you can? I don't understand that feeling. I mean, I know that if I look constantly at the yearbook and read my Remember List and think back on the year, I will end up with a kind wistful longing that my mind seems to reserve for the end of each school year, and I also know that I could easily avoid this feeling by escaping in to a good movie, or a book, or a tv show, or anything else, but I prolong the feeling by being wistful and longing. And I don't know why. It's like I have the keys to my jail cell in my hand, but I won't let myself out yet because I don't feel that my term is quite complete. It's a strange feeling, to want this light sadness.
I hate change. I despise it. I wish things never had to change, unless maybe it was a change for the better, like giving me a million dollars or some new DVDs or something. I don't want summer to come, because it brings with it change. Friends will not be seen, and other friends will no longer go to Milton come fall. Oh, and fall. Senior year will bring infinite change, despite the fact that everything will be the same as always, because nothing will ever be the same. We will associate with different people, and think different thoughts and write different blogs, if we still write at all.
I really hope we still do.

Has anyone else past the point of not caring?
Seriously, in pretty much all aspects of my life right now, I Just Don't Care. Finals? Eh, who cares, you know they'll only move your grade two or three points anyway. Relationships (with guys, with friends, whatever)? Well, you know, school is practically out and we won't have to see those people for three months if we don't want to. Why bother caring, why bother forging fresh connections and flirting and trying and fixing things when in just three short (really short) days, we'll only be in contact with the few people that we feel comfortable calling and asking if they want to catch a movie? It all doesn't seem to matter anymore.
This is probably a dangerous outlook, seeing as I do still have finals to take and papers and projects to turn in, and friends to keep and relationships to fix and fake and destory and make. And I've even reached the point where I'm not really all that sad to see this year end. I am sad. I will miss everybody, and all the long and drawn out emotions I've described in previous blog entries are still true. But now, I think I've just accepted that hey, it's going to end really, really soon. And I'll just have to live with it. I'm not even all that nostalgic looking at the yearbook. There are little pockets of nostalgia, passing through the day. Like when I read certain peoples' yearbook signatures, and when I look around the school and realize that all my senior friends are gone. But for the most part, it's all basically nothing.
Everyone is bitter these days in their blogs and I don't know why. We started out tentative, venturing out into the world of public journaling as unexperienced newbies. Then we all got a little excited when we realized 'hey, this thing actually works!', and then we got nostalgic and sad and sappy remembering the year and thinking about how it's all gone now. And then we forgot to write. Some of us who had been writing every single day lapsed a day, maybe two, maybe even three or four. Then when we finally returned to our blogs (which were not unkempt or in a disarray, despite our days of neglect), a few harsh, bitter words poured out onto the screen, along with some moments of strained or imagined profundity and a short goodbye, unaware as to when the next time we would write would be. I wonder who will start the next trend.
You all (except for Lindsey, who didn't check in today until about the time I checked out) have my mixes in your possession now. How do you like them? I've made it easy for you: tell me.
Well I'll probably end up writing much more later, as I don't intend on getting much sleep tonight. I have too many things to do, things that will probably end up being tossed aside while I write more words in this blog. So goodbye. ttyl.

Huh. Wow. 'The X-Files' is over forever.
I don't want to go into sappy detail of how I'm feeling right now, I mean I'm not in tears so I guess that's a plus, right? And I'm going to gloss over the fact that I'm definitely considering staying up all night tonight to watch one or two or twelve of the 140+ episodes that I still have on tape, all the while commiserating with my old X-Files merchandise (I've got the books, the magazines...even the action figures. I never said I wasn't a dork...). I just wanted to say...wow.
I expected it to go out with a bang. Like, for the show to culminate in a montage of sequences from previous episodes, followed by a teary-eyed goodbye between Mulder and Scully, and then the big finish--a shot from space of the Earth exploding, set to Mark Snow's hauntingly beautiful score. Instead, we have...a cliffhanger? Of sorts. Although many things were resolved, there are new loose ends to tie up and things to wonder about. But there's hope. And that was the entire point of the last scene, right? There's hope that maybe, through the dead (?), Mulder and Scully can stop the colonization that's set (and has been set since, apparently, 1947) to occur on December 22, 2012. That's a long way off.
Another main point I'd like to make, instead of writing a wistful summation of the episode from my eyes, is that this show has always been real to me. Some of you might not be capable of understanding how someone could get so involved in something on tv, and I can't exactly explain it to you since I haven't been that involved in over a year. But there's something about it. These characters are real to me, they're people that I know very well. I know the storyline, the conspiracy arc, the mythology better than I knew US History on the morning of the AP test. Too bad they don't teach a class in X-Files Conspiranoia. I'm sure some college somewhere does. But anyway, what I'm saying is that although it might seem kind of strange, spooky even, to be so 'obsessed' with something as trivial as a television show, this has something that was a constant in my life for years. While my dedication has wavered, to the point where I didn't even watch the ninth season, I've always thought of these characters as friends of mine.
I have so much more I could say but I choose not to. It's best not to go into gory detail on these things; I'm sure someone somewhere would deem me completely off the deep end and try to commit me. But by now everybody knows about my past with 'The X-Files', so it doesn't really matter, does it?
I also saw 'Star Wars' today. Highly entertaining, two thumbs up. I don't want to go into a detailed review of it--I'm just not in the mood. But take my word for it--it's an excellent movie and it more than makes up for Jar Jar Binks.

The mixes are cooking as I write this.
I finally finished the playlist (songs and order of songs), and then designed the cover art and now I'm making the mixes and you will all be getting them next week, Tuesday or so.
I'm going to go see 'Star Wars' in just under an hour. I'm definitely excited. Despite the fact that it was panned by most critics (ones whom I usually deem fairly competent), my friends who've already seen it all say that it's pretty good and that I'll like it. I'm definitely excited, because even if the movie sucks (which I think is impossible--the Star Wars logo alone prevents it from sucking entirely), I've still got Hayden Christensen (yum) and Ewan McGregor (quadruple yum) to gaze longingly at. I sound like a shallow pre-adolescent Teen Beat subscriber, don't I? Sorry about that...I'm channelling my days as an eleven year old (back when I was a shallow, pre-adolescent Teen Beat subscriber).
As for the whole fiasco yesterday, with certain bloggers saying certain things about certain people (cough cough me cough cough) on their blogs? Well, I don't really want to touch that one with a ten foot pole. See, I don't care enough. This certain blogger claims she doesn't care either, but she completely refutes that by calling me emotionally abusive on several occasions. I don't even know what that means. If you've got a clue (and you're NOT this certain person), give me a ring, alright?
I'm getting continually excited about next week. I mean, I know it's finals and all, and then school ENDS and I'll miss everybody but I think the sadness is passing and I'll be okay. I'm excited about getting (well, distributing) yearbooks tomorrow, and finally seeing all the 'work' we did in tangible form. And I'm excited about going out after finals, which I can only assume we'll do like always. And I'm excited about going to graduation, because even though it will be sad, it was lots of fun last year. I really hope it pours again. That was a Moment.
I've also recently discovered that Butch Walker is playing Downtown Rocks on July 5th, I believe. I am SO THERE! I've missed my last four or five opportunities to see him, three of which have been this past month alone, and I will NOT be missing him again. Hey--any of you super-fun people who want to come with me, tell me because it's free and I don't want to go by myself (although I'm perfectly willing this time!).
I guess that's about all. 'Star Wars' awaits. As does studying, but...nah.

Eh, enough with the pure cheese.
Everyone lately, myself included, has been going off on tangents worthy of not just pre-sliced individually packaged Kraft Singles, but shaken-up EZ Cheez, in their blogs. I guess we just can't help it, it being the end of the year and all. It's a slightly forgivable offense, I suppose.
I'm pissed off because I can't get my lisence until next Tuesday at the earliest. For those of you just tuning in, I need a new license because mine was stolen in the Great Personal Fitness Burglary last week. So my dad and I went to the Cumming Drivers' License Bureau today, and wow isn't that just a building full of competent individuals (she said with a very sarcastic tone.) And we waited in a line fit for a Disney World ride for just under half an hour before he called the DMV and they informed him that I needed some sort of ID in order to get a replacement license. Now this baffled me. ID? My ID was stolen. How am I supposed to present an ID if that's what I'm trying to replace? Well, apparently either a birth certificate or a social security card are necessary (and no, they don't accept 99x Freeloader cards. Trust me.), and as our loving caring bank (which contains our safe deposit box which contains BOTH my birth certificate and social security card) is only open on weekdays, I can't potentially drive until summer. What we're trying to do is have my dad check me out of school after English on Tuesday and go to the DMV then, hoping that the line won't be so long that we have to go after summer starts. Because that would suck.
The 'Something For Everyone' mix list is almost complete! Mix creation will commence probably tomorrow night, and mix distribution will be probably on Tuesday. Everyone should be excited! Get excited. That means you.
In response to Sarah's blog, I got my GHSGT scores in the mail as well. Wow. I'm ashamed of myself. While I passed every subject, in fact going on to get the rating of PassPlus! in every subject (what does that mean?!), I did utterly horrible. Ashleigh and I held ourselves a pity party last night while working on our history ceiling tiles, as we both are horribly embarrassed about our scores. The sad thing is, I did the absolute worst in English! English of all subjects! The only subject I'm good at, the subject that I'm used to getting in the 99th percentile ranking for. Well, let's just say that I was not in the 99th percentile for English and leave it at that. At least I passed, right?
Right...

I think my emotions are on a rollercoaster worse than one of the ones designed in Jonesy's class. One minute I'm happy and excited, the next I'm practically in tears, and it's not even "that time of the month" (not to add fuel to the female myths or anything). I think it's just the end of the year really catching up to me. I mean, I was contemplating earlier how until very recently I've been of the "we've got plenty of time" school of thought, and now I'm just realizing that school is over in one week. We get yearbooks on Monday. Finals are next week. This is kind of scary. In a few short weeks, many of my closest friends will be abandoning myself and our fair city to go on luxurious vacations to exotic locals, like Tokyo and New Hampshire. And while I won't be completely alone, it won't be the same without our little group.
It's odd that I can remember myself back in August, cursing junior year and wishing with all my heart that it would soon be over and done with and I could move on to bigger and better things. And now I've become good friends with so many new people and I've participated in some things I really enjoyed, and I'm really going to miss it. It seems like everything is coming way too fast, because I just think that soon we'll be seniors, and 12th grade will fly by just as fast as 11th grade did, and then we'll be in college and then those years will fly by and then we'll have to actually go out into the real world, something I'm terrified of and hoping to postpone as long as possible by going to law school or some other kind of continued higher education. So I just feel like I need to prolong this year and these relationships and these moments (despite the fact that I haven't had a true Moment in quite some time, where you're somewhere doing something with someone and you can just think to yourself this is right.)for as long as I possibly can. And the days before everyone leaves me here in Alpharetta, we need to pack as much as possible into, so we can have the memories that will last. I feel bad from reading the other peoples' blogs that talk about how, odds are, very few of us will still be friends after high school, and then after college. Very few of these relationships will last. And while that probability is true and that sucks, I don't think it has to be true for us. Maybe, maybe not. But I think that in order to prevent us from going our separate ways and never seeing each other again, except maybe for the occasional MHS reunion (and won't that be fun), we need to make what we have NOW last us as long as it can. We need to be infinite.

So I've been reading other peoples' posts to get inspiration for mine. Slap the handcuffs on me, I plead guilty to all charges. Everybody has been writing about the end of the year, and being all profound and sad and deep. I don't really think I'm too capable of that stuff. I've already talked about how I'm going to miss everybody, and everything, even the not-so-fun stuff. I've already talked about the end-of-year stress, and I haven't had enough life-altering classes this year to write about whether or not they were worthwhile.
My philosophy is now, as it has been for quite some time, to forget everything bad and only remember the good. As Blanche DuBois puts it in scene nine of 'Streetcar', "I don't want realism. I want magic! Yes, yes, magic! I try to give that to people. I misrepresent things to them. And if that is sinful, then let me be damned for it!" I don't ever want to remember how things were for that whole month of tears after 'Empire' auditions, or all the other times that I've cried this year, or any other time I've been sad or angry or upset. I just want to remember the happy things. And if that makes me unrealistic, if that gives me a deluded perspective on life, then so be it, because I just don't see the point of reliving all the bad times in between the good.
My point, I guess, is that I made a Remember list. Just a little list of memories from the past year. Some aren't the greatest of times, but for the most part they're all happy memories. I'm going to email them out to everybody, but I'll also post them on my website, here. Go read it and prepare to reminisce about the year gone by.

I don't think I understand 'A Streetcar Named Desire'.
I mean, I get it. I get it more than most people, I think. But I'm reading it in class, and as I talked about in a previous entry, I just feel like I don't have a handle on Blanche's part. However, I feel like I've connected with the part a little bit. For instance, in class Mrs. Hammack asked if we felt any sympathy at all for Blanche, and the class' response was a rousing "No!", but I feel much sympathy for her. In my mind, she's the victim. Maybe I identify with her disillusionment, or maybe I just feel like an attack on my character is an attack on me (I'm just crazy enough to think that way), but I really do feel like she's not quite the conniving, manipulative, lying, heartless bitch that most of my class makes her out to be.
The summer is quickly approaching. Make that the end of school is quicky approaching. Something I think about quite a lot nowadays, because it really is affecting me negatively. I should be happy, joyous, ecstatic even. But I don't feel that way, I feel like it's gone by too fast and like these last few weeks are flying by, and that I'm trying desparately to cling to them, to hold on, but I can't because they just slip through my fingers and pretty soon this all will be memories. Even the Blog revolution that's going on now won't last, and I'll lose touch, and everything will be different in the fall, like it always is. Nothing ever stays the same.
We still haven't found the culprit in the Case Of The Personal Fitness Criminal. We have our suspicions, but no hard enough evidence. Maybe tomorrow something will be discovered, who knows.
Well, stress is not only over for me, but for my slightly more intelligent friends, too. AP physics was today, which means that all we have left to worry about are finals, and those shouldn't be too hard. I mean, I'm not going to do too well on Chemistry or Algebra II, and my friends are a little worried about PreCal, but for the most part our stress is over and maybe we can get back to actually DOING things instead of studying and freaking out all the time. It gets old. Summer will be a welcome break, despite whatever reservations I may have about not seeing anyone for three months.
Well that's all for now. If I had something more worth saying, I'd say it. But reading everyone else's blogs has made me realize how utterly dull mine is, so I'll end this now. More to come.

The day you realize that not only do you appreciate your dictionary, but that your dictionary appreciates you, is a sort of scary day.
I have what almost amounts to a compulsion to look up every new word I see, and some old ones too. If I'm reading and I come across a word I've only ever known by context, the next thing I do is flip to that page in my trusty old dictionary (pronounced 'dictionry'--you can pronounce it your way when you get back to your own blog, thank you) and expand my vocabulary. Sometimes, I'll be writing something (this, for instance) and I'll come across an emotion I want to express, and I'll think of a word that I THINK accurately describes it, but I have to look it up, just to be sure. For instance, I looked up the word 'despondent' before putting it down as my 'Current Mood' on one of the side boxes. You know...just to be sure.
Is something wrong with me?

Today, in personal fitness, a bunch of us had stuff stolen out of our purses in the locker room.
Somebody took my wallet (you know...lisence, $20, Blockbuster card) and my sunglasses (the ones I bought yesterday). Bunches of other girls got money stolen--Laura's entire purse is missing. This event kind of destroyed me for the day. Laura said this made her lose a little faith in humanity--I'll have to agree. Every time this happens my essential trust in human beings disintegrates just a little bit more. It seems like it could get to the point where I, where all of us, are suspicious of every person we don't know, and maybe even of those we do know. And it really sucks.
Who DOES something like this? It has to be a truly sick person, I think. And it sucks that they have so much control. They have control over how we view people in general! Come on, that's a terrible thing, that some sick horrible person that would steal from somebody they don't even know would have CONTROL over you! Wow, this really makes me need some reassurance in the human race. Please, people, do something nice. Not for me, I don't care, but for somebody. I mean, 'Pay It Forward' may have been a fairly shitty Haley Joel Osment movie, but it had good intentions. If everybody would just be a little bit nicer, a little bit more selfless, then maybe something good could happen. But not only am I rambling now, but I seem to be preaching, so I'll leave it alone. Just, please, restore my faith in humanity and be NICE!

Sometimes I wish this time of year didn't exist.
When it gets to be the end of the school year, sometimes I feel like if I didn't feel sad, I wouldn't know how to feel. I get like this and everything saddens me. Like right now, I'm listening to Good Charlotte's version of 'If You Leave' (from the 'Not Another Teen Movie' soundtrack) and I'm practically in tears. And for the record, it's not a particularly sad song. I'm just all emotional now.
I think what makes me so sad is that everything is ending now. I'll miss every single solitary thing, too. You know how much I complained about yearbook? I'll miss that. And personal fitness? That too! And it's not even like I'm graduating and leaving forever, I'll be back in three months to see the same people again, but for those three months I will miss everyone.
I'm not even so upset about graduation itself this year. I have a few senior friends, but most of them I know I'll see again. Last year, I had a bunch of senior friends with whom I wasn't that close, and that was worse because I didn't know when I'd see them again. As it turns out, I've gotten along quite fine without them, but I couldn't have known that when I was preparing to miss them this time last year. This year, however, I'm more upset about not seeing all my not-so-close friends for three months. You know, the people that I'm not comfortable enough with to call during the summer, and I don't have their email addresses to keep in touch. And some people that I COULD call that are going to be gone all summer. It's just all around a sad situation.
And there are only two weeks of school left. It's gone by so fast this year. I mean, APUSH is over. I'm going to miss that class, as well as Hammack's class. They were so much fun, even with the threat of failing out of history looming over my head. But I don't want to make a list of everything I'm going to miss--it would go on for too long. And besides, this is starting to sound like I'm moving away forever, not just leaving for the summer. Three months. Not even three months. I'm a freak.
I think maybe recent events have made me sadder about this than I already would be. I don't know exactly which events, but just things that've been happening lately. Relationships with people and the like. I think if it wasn't for some of those 'events', I wouln't feel quite so bad about all this.
Wow, I need to stop complaining. Nobody wants to read my complaints. Well, if you do, I have plenty more where that came from.

As we speak, all of my friends are dancing.
Yeah, tonight is prom. A prom at which I am NOT. It's okay, I think I'm being quite a bit overdramatic about it. I don't think I care quite as much as I act like I do. Nevertheless, I made Lindsey hang out with me tonight, to prevent me from winding up crying on the couch, watching Blockbuster rentals ('Anastasia', 'Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back', and 'Suicide Kings', for the curious) and eating Edy's vanilla fudge swirl ice cream. Although...it's only 10:45...there's still time to break out the Edy's, pop in 'Suicide Kings', and have me a party. Nah.
So I found out tonight that Lindsey is now one of the priviledged few to have viewed the music video of 'Spectacular, Spectacular'. A priviledge that I have not had. (Guys! Come on! It's me! Your number one fan!) This looks to me like a situation that needs to be remedied. And fast.
All of the events of tonight have put me in the mood to find a new film project. Quite frequently I get in these moods, more like little fevered bouts of creative energy, where I just have to find a new concept and develop it. Usually these period culminate in me, having read several 'arty' screenplays and watched hours of commentary, ruminating on how I'll never be a true 'movie buff'. I don't usually get anything done or made. Maybe tonight will be different, maybe I can work on an idea and NOT run it into the ground (a constant problem of mine) and start working on a script and maybe even have something tangible by morning.
I doubt it.

It's finally over. Wow, that's a nice feeling. In case you've been living under a rock and haven't heard my violent shrieking from wherever it is you live, I mean the AP US History test, which was this morning. What a long morning. I think I did okay though. Probably a three, if not possibly a four. That would be kewl.
Either way, I'm just glad it's over. Never again will I have to suffer through the torture of president sheets, The Enduring Vision, or visitors...well, we still have some visitors to do.
Well, I'm going to go revel in the fact that AP US History is practically history. See ya.

The AP test...is...tomorrow. Proceed to hyperventilate.

...and this is my very first post.
So there are only a few weeks of school left. Scratch that, make it two and less-than-a-half weeks left. This is kind of scaring me. I mean, I'm definitely glad that school is almost over--no more AP tests, no more finals, no more school in general! But I'm also kind of afraid of losing touch with everybody over the summer. I mean, lots of people are going out of town; lots of people are going to be gone all summer long. And these are people that I've only just recently begun to become better friends with. I don't want to have to start all over next year when school starts again. I want to keep in touch with everyone over break. I guess the only real way to do this is to get everybody's email addresses, although that doesn't necessarily work, as lots of people never ever check their mail. Well, I'll just see what I can do.
We're reading 'A Streetcar Named Desire' in English right now. I like it a lot; I'm reading the part of Blanche DuBois. It's an interesting part--however, I feel like I'm butchering it. I don't know what I'm doing, I have virtually no insight into the character, I feel like I'm saying every line exactly the same as the previous one. I don't know what's wrong. I know I shouldn't worry about it, and I'm quite the dork to be even remotely concerned (I mean, come ON! No matter how bad I get, I'm still not as bad as some of the people who read plays in class! At least I have some sort of TONE in my voice!). I'll get over it.
Alright, the AP history test is in less than two days. This should frighten me, but it doesn't. I mean, maybe I've just accepted the fact that I'm going to completely BOMB it. I don't know a THING from the DBQ period (1810-1860), and I have no idea how I'm going to manage to pull enough facts out of my ass to write the essays. I guess I'll survive.
I can't imagine this being interesting to read. It's not witty, or hysterically funny, or even a little bit charming. All I'm doing is complaining about my (upper middle class suburban) life. Well, that's all I have to complain about for now. When I get something else, I shall complain about that then.
...and that is all.